Sunday, May 19, 2013

How JJ Abrams Created Star Trek Into Darkness

The following is a never-before-heard discussion between director JJ Abrams and screenwriter Roberto Orci about creating the new Star Trek movie. This article contains bad language and spoilers so don't say I didn't warn you.

JJ Abrams: "So what are we going to do for the next Star Trek movie? I'm thinking of just calling it Star Trek 2. Because it's, like, the second movie. See how I did that right there?"

Roberto Orci: "That would be silly--there's already been a Star Trek 2."

JJ Abrams: "But this is the new timeline, so it's Star Trek 2, Timeline 2, and we can--"

Roberto Orci: "Can't it just be a normal Star Trek movie?"

JJ Abrams: "It's gotta have flash and dash and explosions and stuff because the audience can't follow a normal story. They're all ADDHDD what-ever-the-D kids, remember? But seriously, what are we going to do?"

Roberto Orci: "Let's do something original that Star Trek hasn't done before. It's the first voyage of the new crew, they're uncertain about how they might handle the challenge, and we really throw something tough at them. We can have some action but it should make you think--"

JJ Abrams: "Thinking is too hard, man. How about this: Maybe the Enterprise can go to a planet where all the women are blonde and wear black underwear and just stand around. We'll shoot it in high-def. Half naked blonde chicks will look great on the IMAX screen."

Roberto Orci: "Um, JJ--"

JJ Abrams: "No, no, no, I got an idea. Let's make the bad guy Khan, let's kill Kirk instead of Spock because that would be a cool twist...oh and let's make Khan a white British guy so we avoid any racial stuff because he's supposed to be, you know, like, all Indian and ethnic or something, and after we kill Kirk we bring him back to life so nobody starts crying, and boom-chicka-wow-wow there's our movie. Cash the check, bang some chicks, make another one. You in?"

Roberto Orci: "But, um, that's kinda like what's already been done."

JJ Abrams: "So what? Everybody who remembers is old and the studio doesn't care about them. We're going after the young people who weren't even born when that other version was made."

Roberto Orci: "Well, um, I guess--"

JJ Abrams: "Oh, and let's have Spock kiss Uhura. That's hot right there. Some Vulcan-on-black action, man, that's what we need."

Roberto Orci: "But what's the story?"

JJ Abrams: "I don't know. They fly into space, have some laser battles....what else do you need?"

Roberto Orci: "I don't think its' a good idea, JJ."

JJ Abrams: "I'm not paying you to think, dumb ass. Forget the story, forget originality, forget anything deep. I want blondes in their underwear, Vulcans kissing black chicks, a white Khan, and lots of explosions. Gene Roddenberry can go fuck himself."

Roberto Orci: "Um, he's dead, JJ."

JJ Abrams: "Then that would be hard for him, wouldn't it?"


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  2. I went and saw Star Trek this week and enjoyed it - I take your points about it being dumbed down somewhat, but it's still a good movie, if a little more Star Wars than Star Trek.

  3. It certainly had its moments, but I think I'm too attached to the old series to really appreciate what they're doing now.